Sunday, March 20, 2011

I Had No Idea That The Gout Could Still Be Got

Gilberto's gout is acting up again.

Yes, you read that right.  Gilberto has THE GOUT. 

When the doctor diagnosed him last month, I thought she was joking and started laughing out loud.  And then accidentally snorted, which caused me to laugh more.  She shot me a Disapproving Doctor Look before stepping away to answer a page. 

Gilberto: What's so funny?  What's gout?

Me: I'm so sorry!  I just seriously doubt you have GOUT.  You're too young and healthy. 

Gilberto: Why?  What is it?  You're freaking me out!

Me: Honey, gout is a disease from the RENAISSANCE.  Old, lazy, rich people got it from eating too much meat, or overindulging in wine, or something.  It's a totally outdated disease.  Like scurvy!  I think both even involve wooden legs, or at least amputation.

Gilberto: AMPUTATION?!

Me: Don't worry!  Hon, you do NOT have gout.  This doctor is crazy.  You aren't going to end up with a fake leg.  And even so, they're made out of metal now, not wood.  I think you need to be more concerned about all the looks you're getting because you wore my mom's crocs, which are obviously for a woman and way too small for you.   

It turns out Gilberto does indeed have The Gout, and I probably set ourselves up nicely for fate to give him The Scurvy as well, with my big fat arrogant mouth.   

You better believe I headed straight for my trusty friend Google as soon as we got home, and was shocked to find out how many people in the 21st century have The Gout!  Some sort of uric acid build up in the toe joints, and not necessarily a result of a bad diet.  Which was a relief, 'cause I was getting some serious attitude from Gilberto on the car ride home about my cooking.      

 One fabulous thing to come out of all of this is NO MORE SPINACH, which is high in uric acid.  I'm so excited about that.  I hate spinach, and now I don't have to feel guilty about not serving it. 

Also?  I don't feel so bad about having fibromyalgia now.  He's kind of evened things out.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Introducing The Kidlets

I used to be all wary of putting pictures of the family up on the interweb world.  But now I'm over it. 

So without further ado, let me introduce Gabi and Mason...

Even though Gilberto is Brazilian, you wouldn't know it by looking at these kids.  They really pulled the Polish out of his genes! 

I'll be updating the sidebar with pictures of the whole family, but not until I can find a decent one of myself.  I've just gone back through the last two years, and every single picture shows me in my pajamas or sick with the flu.    

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Underwear Wars

Stupid, effin Days Of The Week Underwear. 

I HATE YOU.  You make my life miserable.

Gabi will only wear the Wednesday underwear on Wednesday.  And Sunday on Sunday.  And when it's Tuesday and the only underwear left says Friday, getting her little tush into Friday brings on World War III.    

Me: FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, God will not strike you dead for wearing Friday on Tuesday!

Gabi: FINE!  I just won't wear any!

Me: Oh, HECK no.  When I was in the 3rd grade one of my classmates didn't wear underwear and forgot and hung upside down on the monkey bars!  Do you want that to happen to YOU?  HUH?  You will wear Friday, right now!

Gabi: You are torturing me!  Why do you have to be my mommy?  I WANT A NEW MOMMY!  AND DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH FRIDAY!

How about some new friggin underwear instead, some that don't make me want to stab myself.  As soon as I can get to Target, I'm changing them out.  So long, Days Of The Week Underwear, I can't wait until you are gone from my life!