Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Just Shoot Me Now

I am NOT fond of bugs.

I understand that they're a very important part of the ecosystem and circle of life and whatnot, but I prefer to maintain a definite bug-free zone around my body. I call it my bubble. The bugs, they need to respect my bubble. Otherwise they will be forcibly removed by death.

It really would be great if my bubble was like an invisible forcefield that pushed all the bugs out of my way as I moved around, so I wouldn't have mini heart attacks whenever one got too close. It could also keep out kids that like to jump on you out of nowhere and husbands that smell. But as it is, it takes sweat equity to keep my bubble bug-free.

Whenever there's a spider in the house, I do what most sane women do and scream for my husband to come rescue me. Ever since I had a spider JUMP on me (right after my friend said, "You should probably move out from under that spider in case it jumps on you."), I freeze up when I see one, afraid that even the slightest movement will alert it to my presence. Though I'm not afraid to move my lips to yell.

I was also bitten by a Brown Recluse on my last night in Guatemala. I got really sick and had to take three different drugs to stop the the spread of dead skin. It was gruesome. I would have taken a picture of the wound, as it was kind of funny that you could see plain as day the two teethe marks, all black and indented and surrounded my a huge red welt. But it was on my ass. Yeah, that was a fun ER visit.

Nurse: Okay, now strip from the waist down and put on this gown. The Dr will be in to see you soon.

Me: My underwear too?

Nurse: Yes, hon. How else is he supposed to see your bite?

Me: Well, allright.

The doctor enters and has me lay on my stomach, my entire backside feeling the breeze.

Dr: Wow! That's some bite! Hey Arnie, come over here and take a look at this! The skin atrophy is quite extensive. We'd better get meds in her immediately. Hey Betty, you'd better come see this, too!

A little bit later, after I've been administered my first round of meds...

Dr: Hey, I brought a few other doctors with me to see your bite. Can you please show us your butt again?

Me: Um, okay.

Dr: Thanks! I'll be back again soon with everyone from the 2nd floor. It's not often we see a bite as bad as this!

So that experience pretty much solidified my disdain for most multi-legged creatures.

Gilberto, having grown up in the land of all things creepy crawly, has a soft spot for bugs. Especially the ones here in the States that don't look nearly as harmful as the super scary kind we see in Brazil. I would prefer he kill them so that they can't return (if it found it's way in once, it might try to retrace its steps). But I guess it's okay that he gently takes them outside in his hands, as long as they're out of my house.

It makes me wonder a bit how helpful he's going to be when we move to Brazil. He might just tell me it's futile to try and rid my bubble of bugs, and arm me with a broom. This terrifies me, because there is some SCARY stuff down there. Lots of poisonous or disease ridden stuff that can kill you. The obvious being spiders and snakes.

But today I read something pretty disturbing on Adventures of a Gringa in Rio.

Did you know that there are poisonous caterpillars? Caterpillars here in the States are cute and fluffy and turn into butterflies. In Brazil, they make you hemorrhage and die.

This is what I have to look forward to when we move to Brazil.

I can feel my brain turning to mush just THINKING about it. Without Gilberto by my side to identify all the lethal bugs, I might get myself into some serious trouble. Even with my broom.


  1. Okay...I'm sitting here literally with my jaw hanging wide open...that picture of the poisonous caterpillars just makes my skin crawl.

    Jenny Essington

  2. Hey there!

    I found your blog when you linked to mine today and I love it!! It's so honest and funny. And also, your reality is my future, since I will be living in the US or Brazil with my Brazilian man :) Where in Brazil are you moving to?


  3. EWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! I've got goosebumps all over now! And you've been bitten by a BROWN RECLUSE??!! I don't know anything extensive about spiders but seriously, the name of that spider alone conjures up images of a slow, painful death. (dramatic? ME? :) )

  4. But (and no pun intended) once in Brazil, if you get bitten by a spider on the hind-end, it will at least be nice and tan from wearing the butt-revealing Brazilian swimsuits!

    I just like to look on the positive side of things... that's all.


  5. on the other hand you did survive the brown recluse so ....
    and theres always det. wait till your done making babies though as it significantly incleases risk of deformities and other genetic mutations. I buy it by the case. yeah birth control.


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