Monday, August 25, 2008

Australian Accents Are HOT

We're in the process of looking for a new church.

Since the one we currently attend is very small, and we aren't ready to leave cold turkey, we're kind of sneaking out to do it.

Last night my mom and I left the Gabsters with Gilberto (yay!) and attended a Sunday night service at a very large church in our area, thinking bigger might be better.

Learning About Being Old

We walked in, found some seats, then looked around and realized we'd inadvertently sat in what must've been the high school section. You know how when churches have youth groups that don't meet on Sunday night, but the kids still go to church, and they tend to congregate in the same section of the church? So they don't have to sit with their parents? That is what we found ourselves smack dab in the middle of. We were surrounded by young, hip kids. A LOT of them.

And suddenly, I felt not so young and hip. I felt old.

Finding Out That Chivalry Is Not Dead

During worship, the girls right in front of us got cold and the boys sitting with them helped them put on their hoodies. It was so sweet! Remember those days when boys used to do things for girls to get them to like them? Well, that's been over for me for a good six years. Once you get married, your husband doesn't really have to do anything for you to like him anymore, because, well, he's already caught you.

Since I didn't have a hoody, or a boy to help put it on me, I enjoyed the one advantage there is to being larger than your average skinny bopper high schooler- us larger ladies have our own internal heating system. My fat was keeping me nice and toasty, no hoody needed!

Discovering My Behind Is Bigger Than Your Average Churchgoer

During the time we were standing amongst all the youthfulness, I noticed that the chairs were a bit on the wee side. I mean, they were REALLY small. And they were hooked together so there was no playing room if you didn't want to rub arms with your neighbors. Or outer thighs. Though it looked like if you could keep your feet crossed you lessened the risk of playing footsie.

Sure enough, when it came time to sit, the chairs were too small. And not only was I squished against the people next to me (thankfully one of them was my mom), but my butt got sucked out of the back of the chair. And considering the way the average sized butts around me looked as they were sucked through, it was definitely not a pretty picture for the people sitting behind me.

It was hands down the most uncomfortable chair I've ever sat in.

(Though I didn't see any complaining from all those young, hip high schoolers, who seemed to enjoy all the getting squished togetherness.)

Unexpected Surprises

Then the pastor opened his mouth.

And I swear I heard the gates of Heaven open and angels singing, the painful chairs very quickly forgotten.

It wasn't even WHAT he was saying, it was the WAY he was saying it. Oh Heaven have mercy, the man was speaking with an Australian accent.

That is one of the sexiest accents I have ever heard. Even the grotchety Crocodile Dundee can make me swoon, once he starts talking (although that whole outback thing is pretty cool, too). Here I was almost ready to pass out, in a church of all places, from accent excitement.

And that accent makes it sound like he's saying things like, "Thank you, Lord, that you died, so we could have wine." Totally my kind of preaching.

Being Brought Back To Reality

He made his announcements and then dismissed everyone for a coffee break. As soon as the lights came back on, the spell was broken, and we were once again sitting painfully in too small chairs, surrounded by children.

Oh, and wait. Coffee break? In the middle of service? Everyone jumped up and started pouring themselves coffee from giant urns set up around the edge of the room. Not bad, not bad at all.

But we already knew that this wasn't the church for us, so we used the coffee break to make our escape. We just couldn't sit in those chairs one second longer. Plus, the Australian pastor wasn't the one who was going to deliver the evening sermon. It was some other, normal speaking pastor. After hearing an Aussie, anything else would've just been boring.

What We Learned

Bigger is not always better.

Bigger actually means SMALLER chairs, large youth groups that can swallow adults whole, and strange coffee breaks.

Though I might keep their website on my radar so I can see when that hunky Australian pastor is up for his next turn at the sermon.


  1. I have been attending old school Lutheran Missouri Synod my entire life--if our pastor announced a coffee break, I am seeing lots of the parish passing out on the spot ;)
    We have also never had an attractive pastor--I blame the constant Lutheran potlucks ;)

  2. Or you could just come over to my house and listen to my husband talk. :)

  3. coffee break? really??

    no way!!

    but aussie pastor hello!!

  4. That is hilarious. What a fantastic post. Hoping you find a church with large, comfy seats, pastors with great accents, coffee served to you during the service, not too many teeny boppers and mostly rich time with the Lord!

  5. Good for you for trying out new things. That's so hard to do.

    How nice to listen to an Aussie pastor. That would have kept me litening:)

  6. crackin' up over here. you always have such great posts. i felt like i was right there with you, small chair and all. thanks for sharing! hope you find the perfect fit for a church.

  7. hahah!! You always have funny stories to share! I love it!

    The first time I was an exchange student was in New Zealand... and I share of your opinion, new zealanders and australians have the same accent, and it's totally cute.. and hot! hahaha!

    I dated a new zealander guy for a few weeks and I remember saying to one of my brazilian friends that I fell in love with the way he talks, he sounds always so sweet and cute, just because of his accent! I always said I was going to marry someone with an accent like that! But now, I end up with an american that speaks portuguese with a mexican accent! How twisted life is!?! hehhe


  8. you were born with the gift of writing, you allways crack me up Laural!

  9. Oh my goodness, I am cracking up!
    Good for you for trying to find a church home that better meets your spiritual needs.
    Hope you find a great church with comfy seats!

  10. Ohhh, I remember the days of being a young teenager and sitting in the back of the chapel with Jesse, Aaron, and the other delinquent youths, passing notes and giggling during the service. Those were the days! Remember all the crazy things we would do while not at church and during family camp? Seriously, some of my best memories. Maybe if Jack or Rick had a foreign accent we would have paid more attention.....then again, probably not

  11. =)
    accents... hmmm.. there's something to be said about a man with an Australian or British accent. I find the Brit sexy too. =)
    So much so that once a friend of mine called me and getting my voice message left me a message. It took me several months for me to have the courage to delete it! LOLOL
    there, my big secret is out! LOLOL

    Now, seriously (if we can!), if I lived in the States, I'd look for a church called Imago Dei.

  12. Sorry the seats were so uncomfortable! I too would have freaked out if they announced a coffee break! What?? Don't blame you one bit on the Australian accent, they are hot!

  13. You are funny - and I like funny! Good luck finding a new church (on the sly :) ) --- and glad you're comfortable with your computer choices. Gabi will learn to use glue! And she'll do well to play alone once in a while so Mommy can stay sane ;)

    Thanks for stopping by Missouri Thursday!

  14. We are 'church shopping' too, but you posted about it brilliantly.

    Right there with you, LOVE aussie accents.

  15. Oh, a good accent really gets my attention as well.

    Umm, coffee break during service? Now that's an idea that really should take off. :)

  16. Too bad the aussie preacher isn't a regular - his accent spells orgasm!

  17. sounds more like a young peoples AA meeting. hard chairs. coffee break. thanking god for wine.

  18. Yay for someone liking the Australian accent!!

  19. Hello Aussie pastor :) And a coffee break?!
    Hm. May have to try this church out....

  20. I get the accent thing! Just read me the phone book... :)

    What the heck is up with tiny chairs? People should be comfortable - how can you pay attention when your thinking about your booty? I hate that too.

    Maybe they do the coffee breaks so that feeling can flow back into people's backside -you know, from them being sucked out the back???


  21. HA! Oh dear... I too have had some interesting mis-adventures while church hunting :) At least you got a good swoon out of the whole thing.
    Good luck with your hunting!

  22. I have a new colleague at work who's from Australia--I know just what you mean! BTW, thanks for coming by and visiting The Great State of Wisconsin today!

  23. Whenever you cheat on your church, it's never what you expected:-) The grass isn't always greener:-) Hee, hee, hee.

    Chocolate is always a tricky thing to ship in the summer. I freeze the balls solid, package it with a gel pack, wrap it in a foil bubble wrap and ship it next day air. So, I take every precaution that I can to get them to you intact. I hope you give them a try:-)

  24. I saw your blog featured on Rach's (mommy learns to blog) post, and I just wanted to come check you out. LOVE your point of view!!!!

  25. Oh, you had me with the title . . .

    and the coffee.

    But the teeny chairs . . . eek.

  26. I am a sucker for an accent too...I don't even care what you tell me, just say it so I can hear. LOL.

  27. A coffee break during church? Wow... now I've heard it all! :)

  28. p.s. Hope you weren't wearing low cut pants or the people behind you must have had a great show!

  29. A coffee break? That is hilarious.

    Here's hoping you'll find another Aussie pastor at a church with bigger chairs. :)

    P.S. I left you some link love on my 100th's under "Timing is everything".

  30. Oh man, that is too funny . . . I hope you guys are able to find a fabulous church that meets all your needs (and they are not always that easy to find). Thanks for the good morning laugh with my coffee :-)

  31. Keep trying out new things...good stuff!

  32. Oh gosh, you are too funny!
    I feel your pain in church searching, I have nearly given up and we have now lived in this city for almost 3 years.
    (I just clicked through from, hmmm someones blog, I don't remember who, anyway, nice to meet you!)

  33. I think you are funny too! If you move here to Brazil I can introduce you to our church, I think you'll like it :-)

  34. Do you know what I like about you?
    Is the amazing way that you have to make something average be so funny!

    Great stuff!

  35. Accents are trouble, I tell ya! Absolute TROUBLE! Wanna know what the last Aussie Accent cost me? A couple hundred dollars worth of knives! Darn Aussie door to door sales men! Its because of him that I got a sign on my door now- "No Soliciting- Except Girl Scouts"


  36. THis is so funny. My husband is preaching this SUnday at our church. I will be sure to tell him to try an Aussie accent to keep the attention of the people longer.

  37. We totally had a British/Australian Minister. Yes, had...the accent was fun, but he was not the best preacher I'd ever heard.

    Good luck on the search. I think it is fun to go visit other Churches. I hope you find the perfect place for you.


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