Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Still Embarrassing Myself In Brasil

It turns out my mother-in-law's gym is good for more than just torturous excercise. They have an on-site masseuse!

The gym is actually part of a large club that my in-laws are members of. It has a quaint little park that I take Gabi to while my MIL is in her spinning class. Today while we were there playing, my MIL ran back out and asked if I wanted a massage. $14 for a full hour. Heck yeah! And I practically ran back into the gym where the masseuse has her little room.

I probably should've waited until a day when I'd recently showered.

It wasn't until I was undressing that I realized just how dirty I was. The hot Brasilian sun and summer humidity are back, so I've been needing three showers a day. My whole body was covered in a sweaty sheen.

The new black tank top that I was wearing had rubbed black fuzzies all over my sticky skin. I hadn't shaved my legs or armpits (which were smelly and caked with deodorant) since I got here, I had a giant zit on my back and a rash on my ring finger from sweating so much, and the bottom of my feet were black.

I was also wearing white granny panties and a rather granny looking bra (which I had been instructed to keep on).

I stood there for a moment totally freaked out. Brasilian women are very beautiful, and very clean, and I was sure the masseuse was going to be disgusted. But I was already half naked, and really really wanted a massage. So I grabbed a towel and tried to do a bit of damage control, then crawled onto the table and under the sheet.

When she walked into the room, I couldn't help trying to explain myself.

Me, in my stilted Portuguese: I'm so sorry! I have dirty feet. My shirt is new and making my skin black! I have hair on my legs, and look, also here! The sun is too hot for me and making me sweat. What a smell! But I didn't have plans for a massage. If you don't want to give me one, I understand.

I was surprised she still worked on me after my little tirade, but at least I'd warned her. And, oh oh oh, the massage was amazing! Halfway through I started calculating just how many massages I could afford while I was here. By the end I was void of all thought and practically comatose.

As I was getting dressed, I noticed that I was wearing a pink bra, and for some odd reason, it brought me comfort. Like, despite all of my faults, at least my bra had snazz!

On the walk home my feet were so oily I could barely keep from slipping out of my flip flops.

As soon as we got in the house, I took a long, scrubby shower. Not that being clean and freshly shaved now helps the situation any. But I'm hoping she'll be willing to see me again next week, and I can redeem myself.


  1. Oh my - I hate the constant sheen of humid heat. Never knew the difference until I left the midwest.

    At $14 a massage, I think I would have to indulge more than once a week - redeem myself a little sooner :)

  2. I haven't had a massage in ages and just reading about that made me want to call my local spa. *sigh*

  3. Brasil sounds a lot like South Carolina in the summertime!

  4. Take advantage of all massage and spa related things in Brazil...such a great value. There was a time I had a standing nail and massage appointment every week and it was just fabulous!! If they have it try a hot stone massage - pure heaven!

  5. Enjoy the luxury of massage!
    At work, we have a masseuse who comes in one day/week and you can get 30 minutes wonderful massage. I´m always first in line...
    That is exactly what a woman need!

  6. At least you got a massage! And I am sure the lady was happy to collect her money.

    I love to get a massage!

  7. Ohhh that is SUPER funny!!!!

    I am sure it was fine :)

  8. I'm sure they have massaged people dirter than you were Laural! hehe!!
    It's summer over here! EVERYBODY skin is sticky and cover on sweat!

    Here in Salvador, I'm taking around 4 to 6 showers per day! Not even a/c is helping lately!


  9. Oh LORD please send me a brazilian massage thearipst who only charges $14 an hour(unlike my usual $85 30 minutes). Please send a he or she that also will not comment about my need for "some detoxifing scrub treatment for the issues" I am having on my back. In the name of the Goddess of Spa, amen.

  10. $14, I'm so buying a ticket to Brasil.

    I've forgotten to shave before too and you know what she told me -

    'thanks okay, I'm use to the Amish'~

    (my parents live around a large Amish- and I guess hairy- population)

  11. It sounds like you are having a great time! :) I can not believe a massage is only $14!!! I would so take advantage of the price and go several more times. :)

  12. Girl, I had no idea you were in Brazil these days! I hope you have lots of fun!
    big hugs!!! and bring some of that hot weather back and send it to me! I've been sick and tired of winter and snow and gloomy days! argh!
    ps - I just put a request with my local library for that book you read, The Memorist. Thanks! ;)

  13. That's the one thing I don't like about warm climates...I am never dry...ever!

  14. Heaven! Bliss! $14 bucks!

    I did have to laugh pretty hard when you described the lovely condition you were in! LOL

  15. Oh, i dont look forward to the hot stickiness of it all...especially in the non air conditioned living conditions. I get heat rash SO easy. *sigh*

    But massage? Sign me up! :)

  16. too funny... do you really want socks?

  17. hahahahah, that's hillarious!!! Can you believe I had never had a massage before. I know in Brasil it is much cheaper than in America... but I am always so lazy to go have one!!!

    I am glad to see you are having fun and collecting lots of stories!

    I wish I were there to take you and Gabi to the Beaches in Guaruja!!!!

  18. OMG... you always make me laugh! I am jealous even if you were funky while you were getting your massage!

  19. OH, I'm so jealous! Not of your 31 degree weather, but of your massage. I haven't had a massage since we found a place in Shanghai that would do $7 30 minute foot massages! (I was pregnant, otherwise I would have been ALL OVER THE WHOLE BODY MASSAGE. They wouldn't let me lay on the table. Stinkers.)

  20. I've had the best time catching up with your adventures in Brazil. How exciting!

    Has Gabi lasted much longer in school over there? I was wondering how that's going. Has she warmed up much more to it?

    Oh and for the love of all things wonderful....a $14 massage. *sigh*

  21. hilarious, i love this post!! so funny, and you deserve the massage, no matter what your armpits look like:)

  22. So funny! But, for $14 I would have gone through with it too. I hope you manage one DAILY!

  23. You are too darn funny Laural!
    I think it wouldn't matter with the little details either if it meant an inexpensive massage. ;-)
    Glad you are taking time to spoil yourself.


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