Thursday, December 30, 2010

Bed Interrupted

It's 3:20 a.m. 

Gilberto has started to snore.  It's his choking snore.  I can handle his regular snore, but the choking one I CAN NOT.  It stops if he rolls off his back onto his side.

Me: Gilberto, roll over.

Gilberto doesn't move.

Me: GILBERTO.  Roll over, hon. 

Gilberto: Wha?

Me: You're snoring. You need to roll over.

Gilberto shuffles his body a little and then turns his head away from me.

Me: No, honey.  Your whole body.  Roll over and take your body with you.

Gilberto: Wha?

Me: ROLL OVER, honey.  Your WHOLE BODY.

Gilberto shuffles his body again, then turns his head back towards me.

Me: NO, HONEY!  You have to roll your WHOLE BODY!

Gilberto: Wha?


Gilberto: What's going on? 

Me: You are SNORING.  And you're starting to roll over and then just rolling your HEAD.  YOU NEED TO ROLL YOUR WHOLE BODY!  JUST DO IT!  JUST ROLL OVER!

Gilberto: Whoa, no problem.  No need to yell.  Hmphh.

He rolls over onto his side and the snoring stops.  Blessed silence!

It's 5:15 a.m.  Gilberto has rolled back over onto his back and is CHOKE SNORING.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Teeth For Christmas

See those babies right there?  Those were in my mouth three hours ago.

Now they are not. 

I asked to keep them so that I could show Gabi, who loves all things morbid, but I'm the one who can't stop playing with them!  They make a clink clink sound when they hit against each other.  Like dice.  So awesome.

Gilberto gave me the best compliment ever when he saw them.

Gilberto: Wow, honey, you're teeth are so small!  Look at those little teeth!  I'm impressed. 

Me: Why yes they ARE small!  Thank you!  But why are you impressed? 

Gilberto: Who knew something so small could come out of such a big mouth.

Me:  I'll ignore the thinly veiled stab and take the compliment part. 

There's not a lot about me that's small, so it totally made my day to have small teeth.

When I woke up this morning with such excruciating pain in my mouth, I was SURE it was something super serious.  Like some sort of deadly infection in my lymph nodes.  Or mouth cancer.  Or my strep throat coming back, though in some weird way that did not directly affect my throat, since it was more the side of my mouth that hurt.      

So imagine my embarrassment when the doctor told me it was probably just a rotten tooth, but that I did in fact have pink eye (don't ask) and he could treat me for that.  So at least the doctor's appointment wasn't for naught.

I guess I'm lucky that my dentist was able to get me in right away, and that an oral surgeon was found that had an opening before going on Christmas vacation.  But holy cow!!  Feeling someone wrench your teeth out of your head is NOT FUN!  And I thought I was going to throw up all over the guy when I started to hear the tooth pulling noises.  Scraaaape scraaaape.  YUCK.   

I'm finally home, cheeks stuffed with giant wads of cotton padding and still numb from my chin to the top of my nose.  Gilberto thinks it's hilarious to flick my lip and watch it flap.     

This is not the Christmas I planned, but I'm wondering if I can get some sympathy spoiling out of the deal.  I'm all about working with what you got.

Oh, and those are WISDOM TEETH.  I do not have a gap in my tooth line.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I'm Getting What I Was Promised, Damnit

Now that we're FINALLY better, we have a little beef to pick (is that a saying?) with COPA Airlines.

Me:  I feel so much better this morning!  I think I'm finally, oh, operating at about 90% now. 

Gilberto:  Do you think you have your yelling voice back?

Me:  My yelling voice?  You mean so I can yell at Gabi to stop playing with the water in the bathroom?  I did that last night and my voice totally cooperated. 

Gilberto:  I mean for calling COPA.

Me:  OH YEAH!  Game on!

When we arrived at the Sao Paulo airport for our return trip home, we were told that our flight was overbooked and offered a sweet deal.  A direct flight (DIRECT!!) on Korean (KOREAN!!) the next day, $350 per person, and hotel and meals covered in the interim.  They had me at Korean, with their fully reclining seats and full on 24/7 buffet, so we agreed to the deal.  Sometimes it's nice when you have more time than money.

We were ushered over to the Customer Service desk, and by the time it was our turn to be helped, the offer had turned from $350 in cash to vouchers that had to be used in a year, and a flight out that night on American Airlines with a layover at JFK.  Since we wouldn't be flying in the next year, especially on a Panamanian airlines, and the evening flight would mean even more time without sleeping, and the JFK stopover would add 4 and half hours of travel time, we told them sorry, we'll stick with the original itinerary.

Only we'd already been booted from the original itinerary.  We had no choice but to take what they were giving us.  So we left for the hotel STEAMING.  There's really not much you can do in Brazil when things don't go your way.  And Gilberto didn't want to damage our return any more than it already was by causing a scene and getting carted away.  Though we were so mad we considered it.

We thought we'd try to get some sleep at the hotel and eat a LOT of free food.  But our hotel room was a disaster.  The AC was broken, and we couldn't open the window because hurricane like wind whipped rain throughout the entire room.  The TV turned on and off at will.  In the bathroom, the light wouldn't work and, AND, the toilet wouldn't flush.  (Yes, we left them a present.)     

So the seven hours we spent in the hotel with two kids was pretty miserable.  We were so happy when it was finally time to head back to the airport.  We only had two flights, a layover and a 2 hour shuttle ride left to contend with.

Gilberto and I can't sleep on planes, and the kids really didn't do much better.  So 37 hours after leaving Santos on a bus, we arrived at our front door, total disheveled, exhausted messes.  It's probably why we weren't able to fight of The Croup, which we're pretty sure we caught from the guy sitting next to Gilberto on the first flight who kept coughing saliva all over Gilberto's face.

So I have my yelling voice back.  And I just added Call COPA to my To Do list.  All I want is cash at this point.  Or to have all the credit put in Gilberto's name so he can head home for a random trip.  I have a feeling it's not going to go all that great, but I'm not beyond hopping in my car and driving 2 hours to LAX to descend on their corporate office.  I'm not afraid of getting carted off in the good ol' USA.   

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Good grief.

We got back home last Tuesday after 37 hours of travel and promptly caught The Croup.  All of us.  Including my mom, who is very sad that she lives with us right now. 

It's like we visited the 1800s and brought back an extinct medical souvenir.*  Except that our Dr. told us The Croup has been making a big comeback the last coupla years.  Who knew! 

I might stop joking about how The Plague is going to resurface, just in case. I don't want to be the asshole who everyone hates because I thought The Plague was all hilarious.   

The Croup isn't all that bad.  For kids.  Kids who get the The Croup sound like barking baby seals.  It's darling!  Well, it's darling AFTER you've been reassured by your pediatrician that you're child IS getting enough oxygen.  And kids can still run and play and eat while they have The Croup.  BONUS, it's in slow-mo.

Adults who get The Croup, on the other hand, feel like they are about to die and can't climb out of bed, even when they can smell bacon wafting up from the kitchen.  EVEN when said bacon is hand delivered an inch from their nose.  We lay in bed like Gulliver, tied down by the little folks of Lilliput. 

We are all in recovery now.  Though Gabi was sent home today, her first day back at school, with a fever.  And my Croup has turned into strep throat.  And Mason's Croup has turned into pneumonia.  Our house is swimming in steroids and antibiotics (and probiotics, for after). 

I think by tomorrow I'll be well enough to clean the house and start putting up decorations!  And to make it worth the mere two weeks they'll be up until Christmas, they'll be staying up through January as well.  Though to be honest, decorations always stay up through January.  It's just this year I don't have to admit it's because I'm lazy.

Oh, and if none of this makes sense, it's because I'm effed up on a myriad of meds.  Codeine is my friend.

*I totally stole that from my friend Megan.