Sunday, April 3, 2011

Stupid Birds, Stupid Bees

I don't know why I wasn't paying attention, but I wasn't.  I DID know that Gabi was playing in my closet and was being fantastically quiet.

Gabi: Mom, why do you have these underwear?  They show your private parts! 

I look over and she's holding up a pair of see-through underwear from back in my pre-kids days, when I actually did stuff to woo Gilberto. 

Me: Ohhhhh.  Yeah, it's probably why I don't wear them.  I mean, who wants to wear SEE-THROUGH UNDERWEAR?  Ha ha ha.

Gabi: Yeah, mommy!  They must've gotten really worn out.  Did you wear them a lot?

Me: Hey, look what you found!  My shawl!  Let's dress you up like a Spanish dancer!

I have the art of diversion DOWN. 

Especially when it comes to the wonderful world of explaining reproduction to your child.  Up until now I've gotten off easy, only having to explain about female parts and how the baby grows and gets out.  But not any of the before stuff.

I knew the nitty gritty questions would be coming before too long.  Cue last Monday.  We were driving somewhere and I was lost in thought until BLAM.

Gabi: I've been thinking, why do you need a daddy to make a baby?

She's been thinking?  Oh my God, DON'T PANIC!  She needs you to be cool so that she doesn't think it's a big deal.  Be cool, Laural.  BE COOL.  

Me: Well, you know how the mom has an egg?  It needs to come together with a little piece of the dad called sperm.  The dad gives the mom his sperm and when it touches the egg it makes it start to grow into a baby.

Ooo, that was good!  But PLEASE, God, let that be enough to satisfy her.

Gabi: What's sperm?

Crap.  How the hell do you explain sperm to a six year old?  Okay, I can do this.  Deep breathe, let it out.  And THINK.  THINK.  Why can't I think?

Gabi: Mom!  WHAT'S SPERM?     

Me: Sperm look like little tadpoles!  They like to swim like tadpoles, too, so that they can find the egg!

FAIL.  Crappity crap.  But maybe she'll start thinking about frogs and we can end this conversation.

Gabi: But, mom, how does the sperm get into the mommy?

Well there you go.  She asked it.  THE question.  I may be a bad mom, but I just can't tell her about the whole penis-baby connection.  Not today. 

Me: Hey, there's a McDonald's!  Do you want a Happy Meal?  And how about some new shoes!

And, hallelujah, it worked. 

I know I'm going to have to give her an answer, and apparently soon, so I guess I need to read a book.  Or something.  Like maybe I can get Grandma to take this one on.


  1. My son and I had a very similar conversation (also in the car) recently. I bit the bullet and just told him the major details (but to be fair, I used to teach sex-ed, so I've had some practice at this). When he found out which parts actually have to come together to get the job done, he laughed hysterically for a full 5 minutes.

  2. Wow! So glad we aren't quite there yet with our 7 year old. She knows you need a mom and dad and she knows the male/female parts and where the baby comes out from. But have not had to have the rest of the conversation yet. Sounds like you are doing well, though. As for the question about how the sperm gets to the mom - don't be afraid to tell her that she's not quite ready to know that kind of thing yet. I'm always telling Natalie that there are things she'll understand better a little later.

    Jen Essington

  3. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, I do not envy you. Not at all. And I love knitwit's comment. Heh.

  4. I would let grandma finish this conversation as well.

  5. GAH! Those conversations were always so tricky. Diversions are key.

    Of course, once the girl got older, I started going off on stuff like "You know why AIDS ran rampant? Because of Ronald Reagan! And do you know . . . blah blah blah".

    On the plus side, she's stopped asking so many questions.

  6. That is hilarious! I feel you! I am not a mother yet, but when I was an Au Pair I had the kids ask me questions like that. It was easier for me to say "ask your mom" and when you find out let me know too. Hahaha

  7. You are so funny. I would have done the same thing with the distractions. My kids actually asked when they were little, like 4. I explained it to them, in simple terms, and they understood. It was never brought up again after that until some idiot kids at my sons school decided to explain to ALL the kids how it was done. The way he described it was nasty. Nasty to the point I wonder where he heard it. Kids.

  8. I, too, have the diversion tactics down as well. And my six-year-old loves McDonald's and shoes so I'll have to keep that one in my back pocket!

    I guess I really need to start figuring something out though because we can't use new flip-flops and Happy Meals forever!

  9. Hahaha! So entertaining, at least for us readers.

    Are you sure you want to defer this one to grandma? I don't know about your mother or mother-in-law, but if I had kids and asked my Catholic gynecologist MIL to give them The Talk, it would turn into a confusing mess of medical jargon and angels bringing gifts from Jesus and putting them into Mommy's tummy.

  10. Ha-ha-ha! Happy Meals still work on diverting *my* attention! Good luck~

  11. It MUST be the age!! We are getting these questions all the time in our house lately.

    So my latest response was that the man and the woman do a "special cuddle" that only responsible adults do, and sometimes the woman gets pregnant and has a baby. That seemed to satisfy them.

    For now.

  12. I recently had to have the talk with my 10 year old. She had just turned 9 at the time. Perhaps I waited too long on that one, but I don't remember having the talk with my mom until I was 10. I can't imagine trying to tell a 6 year old! My 8 year old still doesn't know. Good job on the diversions. Good luck!

  13. OMG - so so funny.

    I agree with you friend Stacia (facebook) - my mom read that book to my brother and I when we were young and she was preggers with my first little sister. That would have made me just a little older than Gabi at the time (Jenna was born a couple weeks after I turned 8).

    However, until you are ready for the conversation, Jenny's tactic of dealing with Natalie's question is simple, straightforward, and truthful, but I don't know if Gabi would accept that answer from you :) Get the book. It will make it lots easier.

    Still giggling about it all as I type . . .Great post.

  14. Oh gosh!! How old is she? Can't she just learn this stuff on the street? (LOL).

  15. Dude... you KNOW she and Ryan are talking about this on the playground!!!



  16. LMAO... I have been there. Now I actually have to have conversations about sex. AND HOW SHE SHOULDN'T BE DOING IT.


  17. You didn't tell her about the stork?
    I'm going with a stork that lays sperm eggs until my kids are in high school.
    Then I'll tell them about the part where they should never have sex until their 30s.

  18. Ohhhhhh my. I'm snorting on the outside, but on the inside, I'm shivering in fear. I haven't (knock knock knock!) had those questions come up yet, but with my ever inquisitive kids, I know it's coming! Yay for diversion ;)

  19. Bahahaha! My daughter has been asking similar questions lately. I went and got myself a copy of "Where Did I Come From?" You might need one too. ;)


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