Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Good Things Not To Know Before Becoming A Parent

McMommy, one of my favorite bloggers, just won a Give This Photo A Caption contest over at BookMama's. Her caption was hilarious (click on over to see it), and it got me thinking about all the things that parents don't tell non-parents for fear that the human race would cease to exist.

So in honor of McMommy's win, here are a few more things to add to the list.

Baby puke down the back of your work shirt. Not so bad, except sleep deprivation will make you forget to wash it, and you'll wear it to work again and stink up the whole office. Only you won't notice, since you're so used to the smell. Your boss will have to point it out to you in a meeting. This also applies to church, or the grocery store.

Potty training. Lots of poop and pee, all around. And by all around, I mean accidents will happen on every single inch of available space in your house. You will even start to make poop and pee jokes with your spouse, and make up songs about it to sing in the car. You will also forget that people don't discuss poop and pee in normal conversations, causing yourself quite a bit of embarrassment. Someone will also become the preferred ass wiper. Lucky for my husband, it's me. Gabi will only let ME wipe her butt.

Painful bruising. You will be covered in bruises. And you will be sore. We're at the almost four year mark, and we've been in pain since day one. I don't think this ends until your kids decide you aren't cool anymore and stop wanting to play with you. Eleven? Twelve? Whatever the age is, until then you will need a lot of Alleve.

A million and ten Why questions. This is some of the worst torture you will ever experience. You will have nightmares where your life depends on answering a never ending stream of unanswerable questions. And hot on the heels of Why is Are We There Yet.

Public temper tantrums. It happens to the best of us. We all saw the misbehaving children out in public, and we all said we'd NEVER let our own kids behave that way. Then you have the kids, and you realize that ALL kids misbehave. You start letting them wreck havoc at home in the hopes that they will get it out of their systems and be polite in public.

Stupid cartoons. If you have a TV in your house, it's inevitable. And damn those catchy tunes.

Other kids being mean to yours. Never thought you'd want to slap someone else's child? Think again. (I said WANT to, not WOULD). You heart will get broken a thousand times on behalf of your child.

The MESSES. There's nothing like climbing into your bed at night to feel squishy peanut butter down by your feet. Or leaving the room for two minutes to return to a gazillion little pieces of paper on the floor, either torn or cut up with the scissors you thought you had hidden. Or inviting guests over and after they get up off your couch noticing their butts are covered in glitter. The messes are never ending, and your house will never be the same again.

Dirt and grime. It's a given that your kid is going to be dirty. A lot. But that also means that YOU will be dirty. A lot. Those little hands and faces have a way of smearing dirt all over you in the blink of an eye, especially after you've just gotten dressed in clean clothes. Your hair will also be dirty. A lot. It's always best to check the mirror before leaving the house to make sure you don't have any cheese in it.

The Naked Stage. Your child WILL escape and run down the street naked. And you are usually in your pajamas. And there will always be someone standing nearby to witness it.

The All By Myself Stage. I don't know which is worse, the mess that ensues when letting your child do something on their own, or the tantrum that ensues when you don't. You want your child to learn independence and feel that sense of accomplishment, but a gallon of milk all over you, your toddler and the floor is a hard price to pay.

Baby Brain. They lie when they say it gets better. Those brain cells never plump back up to their original size. All you can do is learn to live with it and become a list maker and note taker. It's the only way you'll remember anything of importance.

I'm sure there are many many more, but I can't remember right now (see Baby Brain above). And Gabi is only almost four. It makes me wonder what's still in store for us!

*Not too long after I wrote this post, McMommy put one up, too! Yes, great minds think alike (wink, wink). Just click the image to be transported...


  1. LOL. You forgot my favorite: Attachment to unreasonable clothes..mine wore cowboy boots with EVERYTHING for almost 6 months

  2. My girl want's to put her tutu on top of evrything she puts on.

  3. we have ESP today or what?!! Only your list is like 150x more hysterical than mine was!! I love it! I absolutely love it!

  4. I believe we do! I've been reading your blog and I read a post about you being obsessed with The Hills and Gossip Girl! :)

    Too bad I'm in Brazil right now and I can never get the hills full season!

    Take care,

  5. You have a lot to look forward to. Each developmental stage is unique and sometimes you think you'll never live through it. Wait until Gabi turns into a tween and then a new teen! Patience is truly a virtue.

  6. This is why I made that graphic at McMommy

  7. Why I read this despite the title, I'll never know. My baby's due in a month. I will enjoy my last month of sanity and cleanliness. Jealous?


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